[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
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I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.