The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
You Might Also Like
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Sooo many times…..
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.