The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
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My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
I already tried new things thanks.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?