Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
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Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
need him
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.