ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
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Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.