Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
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Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL