ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
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People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!