CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
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*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
My neck, my back, my…
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
quarantine day 3
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me