ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
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Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Phones down.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Krampus.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.