ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
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My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater