Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
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My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
i will not be silenced
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.