If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
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i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
These are too funny not to post 😂
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock