Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
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[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
They’re on their honeymoon
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.