ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
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“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY