Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
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I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Bed should get ready for ME
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?