ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
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Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Haha! 😂
Whoa 😂
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
The Struggle
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait