ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
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Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
saving face 👀
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.