ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
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[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.