Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
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me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
one of
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Owl Sanctuary
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”