Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
You Might Also Like
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Always the camel, never the toe.
Called it
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.