Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
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it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
I’ll be mad as hell!
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
“I wouldn’t.”
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance