JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
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🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Lube but for my dry humor.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
The fall of Netflix
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.