Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
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former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
When they try to steal your moment.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”