ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
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I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.