Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
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Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
I falcon love using swear birds
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”