Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
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Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
🤣🤣💀
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”