Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
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maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes