[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
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I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.