Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
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Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?