me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
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[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”