Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
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“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
…żyje?
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try