ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
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[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.