me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
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Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho