How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
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I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…