me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
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Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
U talkin 2 me?
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.