I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
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Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.