me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
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Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.