Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
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Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
adding to the discourse
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
what the
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*