There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
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restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.