A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
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Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*