art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
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Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea