My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
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I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
Is your wife single?
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same