Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
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You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.