Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
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next question.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]