Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
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I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Finally! 😈
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.