Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
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Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
I only treason on days ending in y
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious