me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
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dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them