Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
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If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers