Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
You Might Also Like
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.