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“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park